Do you remember those times when you would rush to your mother, giddy with happiness, and tell her that you scored a 98 on 100? Her response would have been on the lines of where you lost those two marks. As a society, we have always highlighted success and put down failure. We have considered first rank and gold medals as crowning glory. But, is it right?
We are taught that success is best for us, while failure will push us deep into the pits of shame, from which we will be looked down upon, forever. Is it that bad? The answer is an emphatic no. Let me explain why.
Definition of success and failure:
The Oxford Dictionary defines success as the fact that you have achieved something that you want, while it defines failure as a lack of success in doing or achieving something. Even here, success is defined as a metric of failure. But, failing is not something to be demonised, for it is not bad.
A different perspective on failure:
“I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” - Thomas Alva Edison, inventor of the electricity bulb. This quote best sums up why failure is vital for life and ironically, success. Failure teaches you what you should not do to achieve the desired result. It lets you explore different ways in which you can solve a problem, thereby allowing you to learn the nuances of the problem statement, in depth. By the time you achieve the desired result or success, you will have pretty much arrived at the perfect solution backed by solid logic and proof.
Failures are indeed the stepping stones to success. For instance, you want to make a dish at home. You are not going to get it right the very first time, are you? Well, you may, but it does not work like that every time. There are multiple steps from when you put the raw materials in the vessel to when the cooked dish comes out. When you cook the dish for the first time, you may have put a few wrong ingredients or in different proportions than necessary. Subsequent attempts will help you refine your process - you will learn it inside out and ultimately, cook the best version of the dish you can make. This may seem like a trivial example, but it works well in life, be it for elders or children.
Why is it crucial for children to learn to handle failures?
In children, their formative years shape their mindset, perspective and approach, which are key components when it comes to solving problems. School is the first touchpoint of failure and success for children. They see toppers getting praised for securing high marks, while some get put down for scoring low marks. They internalize this idea until they subconsciously label failure as a bad thing.
Why should we normalize failure for children?
Start with normalizing failure for children. At home, do not talk about failure in a bad way or in hushed tones. Do not berate your child for failing, whether it is failure to get full marks decent marks or even a medal. They are impressionable and may start fearing failure, which will not be good for them in life. This fear will cause them unnecessary stress and anxiety as they grow older. They would also crumble under high-pressure situations and in general, would find it hard to face situations. Normalizing failure will help in raising resilient children, who will be able to withstand the curve balls thrown at them and march towards their goal, victoriously.
How can we normalize failure for children?
- Celebrate failure: While we are conditioned to mourn failures, start the change by celebrating them. If your child hasn’t exactly scored high marks despite working hard, go ahead and celebrate your child for their effort. It is okay if the effort hasn’t translated into marks, your child has still equipped themselves with knowledge. Take them out, give them what they want. Do not associate only success with celebration. You will find that your child will grow up to be a confident adult.
- Failing forward: It is said that making a mistake isn’t a problem, but one shouldn’t make the same mistake twice. Teach your children to fail forward, i.e., sit with them and analyze their failures. This will facilitate them in dissecting and grasping from their mistakes. Question them on their learnings and how differently they would do the task the next time around. This will aid them in gaining insights from their failures and not repeating them.
- Cultivate a growth mindset: Make your children understand that mistakes grow their brains and that it is good to make some. Each mistake triggers electrical signals in the brain that help in learning. When they make mistakes, they learn concepts more deeply, allowing the information to be retained in their memory for longer. They will start showing a larger brain response compared to others with a rigid mindset.
- The ‘pit’ concept: The learning pit is a concept developed by James Nottingham to help children understand the idea of coming across obstacles during the learning process. The pit serves as a metaphor for failure or feeling stuck. Ask them whether they feel they are inside or outside the pit when tackling a challenging task.
- Create an understanding environment: The most underrated thing is to maintain a supportive and understanding environment for your children. It is vital for them to feel safe and secure in order to share their failures and learn from them. If you shame them, they will avoid talking about failures and grow up with poor self-esteem and confidence.
- Foster emotional management: As human beings, we feel a lot. We feel joy and euphoria when we succeed, while we feel sorrow and shame when we fail. While it is natural to feel these emotions, they can go overboard if not checked and lead to stress and associated issues. To avoid it, coach your children on how to manage their emotions. Educate them on how to be level-headed and take neither to heart. Tell them to share how they feel and aid them in comprehending how to manage their emotions.
It is not easy to raise resilient kids in a world that is brutal towards failure. But, remember to guide your child to always keep their chin up, learn from their mistakes and move on. Remember, immediate success is great, but success after a series of failures is extraordinary and well-deserved. Here’s to celebrating more failures!
